


What He Left Behind

by Reddieaddict



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Broken Hearts, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, M/M, Reddie, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-22 13:18:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13764999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reddieaddict/pseuds/Reddieaddict
Summary: Richie was broken and could no longer bare to live in Derry, Maine. He gathered his shit and snuck out in the middle of the night without telling anyone, with the intention to leave town. What he didn’t plan for, though, was Eddie confronting him at the bus station.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by Janelle Monae’s O’ Maker, so if you’d like you can totally listen to that song as you read this shit. They are 17 year old seniors on their winter break and um yeah this doesn’t have a happy ending. All my fics are always hella long, but I tried to challenge myself to write something shorter. This was the result. I hope you guys still enjoy this. Sorry if it’s shit. Unedited.

The night was dark, cold, and dead silent. So much so that each of his footsteps seemed to impact the pavement below him with a deafening crash that echoed through the night like rhythmically sequential sonicbooms. Richie found it unbearable to listen to, but it wasn’t the volume of his steps that tore away another piece from his already weathered heart. It was their implications. They were the harrowing chorus of defeat and their song was the haunting ballad of guilt and abandonment. Each step was another step towards the unknown and, yet, another step away from everything (and everyone) he’s ever loved. 

He had to do this, though. He had already endured too many days in this cursed town and had no more strength left in him. He was beyond his breaking point. He craved a new beginning away from his abusive alcoholic parents, the homophobic townspeople, and the ever-present horrors that dwelled in the sewers below them. There was nothing and no one for him here. 

The Losers Club had disbanded long ago and all of its members, with the exception of Eddie and Mike, had moved away and long since forgotten him. Mike always had the best of intentions, but he lived a busy life with many responsibilities. It left him with no time for a friendship with someone like the local Trashmouth, no matter how much he said otherwise. The only person Richie had in his life was Eddie, but not in the way he wished. 

Eddie was his entire world, while Richie was merely a part of his. It was torture and, if he was honest with himself, a contributing factor to his leaving town in the middle of the night. He felt bad running away without telling him (or anyone), but he was certain it would be better this way. In the long run this was the best thing that could happen for both of them. Eddie would no long be held back and annoyed his useless best friend, and Richie could start a life without black eyes and busted lips. 

As he arrived at the bus station and sat on the bench, he looked up, hoping to see the starry sky one last time. He knew LA would not have the beautiful view that Derry was blessed with (the only thing it was blessed with), but the fucking universe couldn’t even let him have that. The sky was painted over with charcoal clouds that left even the moon barely visible under their cover. He scoffed and the winter air converted his disappointed breath into a small cloud of his own. He tugged on his overcoat and wrapped his arms around himself in an effort to attain what little more warmth he could. 

The next bus wouldn’t arrive until 3, so it left him with about 30 miserable minutes to wait. 30 long minutes to ruminate on his memories on last time, before they would inevitable fade away with his departure. A single lonely tear cascaded down his spotted, alabaster cheek, like a shooting star dashing past constellations of freckles. He found himself sinking deeper and deeper into himself, until the sound of footsteps against gravel pulled him out of his depression. 

His traumas broke through to the surface and fear began to engulf him. In this town those footsteps, at this time of night, could be anyone- or anything. His heart pounded against his chest as he forced himself to stand and investigate who (or what) it could possible be. With every passing second, he regretted more and more that he hadn’t told anyone he was here. He could be murdered and no one would ever know! He walked with heavy reluctance in the direction of the sound, praying to whatever God would listen, that the source wasn’t a demon clown out for revenge. What he found might have been even more terrifying. 

“Eds?” He asked with wide-eyed shock pooling behind his bottle cap lenses. “What are you doing here?” 

“I could ask you the same thing.” Eddie retorted dryly. His face was flat, but his eyes hinted at a hidden emotion that Richie couldn’t quite decipher.

“Ho-how did you know I was here?”

Eddie crossed his arms across his chest as his gaze drifted to the ground below them, making him seem even smaller than he already was. “I don’t know. I had a dream and when I woke up . . . I had this feeling I couldn’t shake off. It lead me here.” This wasn’t the first time something like this had happened. Richie and Eddie had always had this magnetic connection that always lead them to each other. One would be skeptical of such a thing, but living in a town like Derry, Maine, you learn that there are something’s that you just can’t explain. 

Richie’s brows furrowed and his mocha eyes flickered away in disgrace. He knew Eddie had already deduced why he was here, and there was no point trying to lie to him. He was already hurting him enough by leaving, and lying would only be adding insult to injury. “Listen, I-“

“Where are you going?” Eddie cut the taller boy off as he stepped closer to him and further into the light. Richie took notice of how the incandescence of the light overhead made the sorrow in Eddie’s warm golden eyes even more piercing. 

“L.A.” he stated blandly.

“And you were just gonna leave without telling me?” Eddie voice was barely above a whisper, but Richie heard it clearly and it made his heart sink. 

“What is there to say, Eds? You already know why I’m doing this, and I already know there’s nothing I can do to make you support my decision. It’s just easier this way.” Richie didn’t dare look Eddie in the eyes as he spoke. He sank his gloved hands into the pockets of his overcoat, hoping Eddie didn’t catch sight of how they were shaking. 

“Richie . . . can’t you just wait a few more months? We can graduate and leave for college together like we planned!” Eddie took another step forward. “Can’t you please stay?”

“I can’t. I’m sorry.” Richie said with a shake of his head, but his eyes remained tender and remorseful. “I want to tell you what you want to hear, but the truth is that it’s too much. I have nothing keeping me here.” 

“You have me!” Eddie words sounded like pleas, drenched with uncertainty. Eddie had always been small in stature, but he never felt that way. He always believed himself to be mighty, capable, and strong (which he was, to be honest), but in that moment, as he awaited Richie’s response, he felt like the smallest creature in existence. 

Richie stood in silence, contemplating what to say next. Should he be honest and confess his emotions, or should he stand his ground? “Eds, you’ll be better off without me. You’ll go off and become some titan of industry and forget all about me soon enough. I’ll only stand in your way or drag you down.” 

With a roll of his eyes, Eddie scoffed bitterly. “Don’t act like you’re doing this for me, Richie! This is all about you!” 

“I know you don’t see it now, but, trust me, this is for the best. You’ll be th-” 

“Don’t do that shit! Do talk to me like you know what’s best for me! Everyone, especially my mother, has done that my whole life! My ENTIRE fucking life, everyone has always spoken to me like I’m some sort of frail hearted child that needs to be sheltered- everyone, but you! You’re not allowed to talk to me like that! NOT YOU!” Eddie breath became short and shallow with anger as his arms fell to his sides with balled fists. 

“Whoa, Eds! Breath!” Richie stepped towards Eddie with hands raise, as a sign of defeat. Once he was right in front of the smaller boy, he placed his hands onto his shoulders and began to soothingly massage them. Richie was all too familiar with Eddie’s panic attacks and had a tried and true routine to coach his friend through them. “You’re okay. Breath with me! In . . . Out . . .In . . . Out . . .” 

Eddie followed along as Richie instructed, glaring deep into the older boy’s eyes. He felt the burning in his chest begin to dissipate as his breaths became fuller, filling his struggling lungs with the air they cried out for. Richie took notice of this, and smiled down at him with adoration written across his chiseled features. Eddie felt tears begin to collect on his waterline, making his brown eyes glisten in the light like amber in the sun. In an impulsive act of emotion; he wrapped his arms around Richie’s waist and buried his face into his chest, taking the ganglier boy by surprise. “I love you!”

“Wh-what did you say?” To say Richie was shocked would be the understatement of the century. He felt himself unable to move, stuck in between thoughts, and impatiently awaiting Eddie’s response. Nothing but muffled sobs filled the silence. “Eds, wh-what did you say?” 

Eddie pulled away and wiped away at his overflowing tears, trying to fruitlessly to collect himself. “For years, I’ve been too terrified to tell you. I was afraid you’d hate me or no longer want anything to do with me if I ever told you, but I don’t care anymore. I love you, Richie! I-I love you! S-so, please, don’t leave! Stay!” 

Richie didn’t take a second to debate his next action; he just leaned forward and closed the gap between them. His plump lips collided with Eddie’s, and though it felt amazing, it was bittersweet. It was everything he craved and longed for, but Eddie didn’t kiss back. Instead, he pulled away and shoved Richie with all his might. “Don’t do that! Don’t you fucking dare! You don’t get to kiss me like that, if you’re just planning to abandon me after! IT’S NOT FAIR!”

“I’m sorry. I just . . . I’ve been wanting to do that for years and now . . . You’re right. I’m sorry.” Richie stammered, taken off guard by Eddie’s bluntness. A fiery aura of enmity radiated from Eddie’s petite frame that intimidated and even slightly frightened Richie.

“So then I was right? You’re still planning on leaving?” Eddie prodded. 

“Eds . . .”

“Let me come with you!” 

Richie’s eyes shot up and their gazes crashed into one another. Richie had never thought that was a possibility. He was tempted to say yes, but he knew that wouldn’t be fair to Eddie. It would be not only selfish, but also hypocritical. He just ranted on about not wanting to hold Eddie back, and he knew that if he dared ask Eddie to come with him, he would be asking him to throw away his future. He couldn’t do that to him. He deserved more. “No.” 

“What?” Eddie gawked at him with disbelief. “Wh-why not?”

“Eds, I can’t ask you to do that. I love you too much to let you throw your life away.” Richie’s words were stern, but his eyes remained downcast as he spoke. 

There was a silent pause that made Richie’s pessimistic mind race with anxiety. He looked up to see what Eddie’s reaction was and was surpised to see the boy looking at him with a teary-eyed melancholic smile. “You love me?” Eddie asked sheepishly. 

“Of course I do, Eds! You’re the most important person in my entire life! You have been since the day I met you!” Richie stepped forward and took Eddie’s hands in his. His lips began to mold into a smile, as a bashful pink glow began to illuminate his cheeks. “I’ve just been too scared to tell you. You’re my whole world! There is nothing more than you! The only times I’ve ever been happy were when I was with you! You make everything look bigger, every color more vivid, and every song more beautiful! Every beat of my heart is and always has been for you! I would rearrange the fucking stars in your name if I could! I would walk through fire for you and swim across any ocean. Id-” 

“It’s easy to promise things that you never have to follow through on, but you can’t find it in you to stay? You say you wanna rearrange stars and shit, but you can’t let me come with you? What kinda fucked up bullshit is that, Richie?” Eddie pulled his hands away and balled them into fists once more. This was everything Eddie ever dreamed about and he resented Richie for waiting until this very moment to say it! Under different circumstances, he would have been overjoyed to hear Richie say such beautiful thing to him, but it was all sullied by the threat of Richie’s imminent departure. 

“Eddie, It’s not that simple. I can’t stay and I can’t ask you to come with me. Either way I couldn’t live with myself!” Eddie watched as tears began to glisten on Richie’s bottom lashes. He wanted nothing more than to take him in his arms, and tell him everything would be alright, just like they did most nights in his room, but he knew better than to give in. “You have a whole life ahead of you and you’d be better off without me.”

Shaking his head in frustration, Eddie took a step forward. His entire face began to burn with anger. “I love you, what don’t you get about that? I don’t want a life without you. I don’t care about college or any other fucking thing. I want you! I have nothing without you! . . . Richie you’re all I have.” 

“You’ll be fine. You don’t have to be afraid of being alone, I’m sure you’ll find someone better once you leave this shit town and-“

“I’m not afraid of being alone, Richie! I’m afraid of living without YOU! I need YOU!” Eddie tears fell freely as he shouted. His broken voice made Richie’s heart feel as though it withered away and crumbled into dust within his sternum. “Richie . . . please! I’m begging you! Let me come with you.”

“Eds . . . I can’t.” He said as he tried to take his best friend into an embrace but the smaller boy shoved him away. Richie’s chest felt as if it was hollowed out by the unexpected rejection. 

“Look at me, Richie! Look me squarely in the eyes!” Richie hesitated, but ultimately obliged his request. Eddie’s eyes were filled with an intensity that Richie had never seen before, and it frightened him to the core. “If you leave, there is no going back! You leave and you never EVER fucking come back here! Never try to contact me! NEVER FUCKING SPEAK TO ME AGAIN! IT’S OVER!”

The tears that once sparkled on his lash line began to spill down his face. Eddie words were like daggers that twisted as they sank deeper into his heart. It was the most painful thing he’d ever experienced, more than any punch or kick his father could produce. “Don’t say that Eddie Spa-“

“NO! No you don’t get to call me those names, if you’re just gonna abandon me!” Eddie’s voice might have hiccupped as he tried not to sob, but still his intensity never wavered or faltered. “If you get on that bus, you’re dead to me, Richie! I mean it!”

“Eddie, how can you say that?”

“How can you leave me!? I just told you that I love you! I told you you’re all I have! I FUCKING BEGGED YOU RICHIE and you still decide to leave! And on top of it all you pretend like you’re doing ME a fucking favor!? NO! You’re abandoning me! You’ve breaking my heart and-and you don’t even fucking care!”

That had been a step too far! Richie could be accused of a lot of thing, but not caring was not one of them. Richie absolutely did care, too much if anything. He had loved Eddie and protected him in the face of danger, and yet he’d dare say this was nothing to him? Richie felt a deep indignation at Eddie refusal even try to see it from his perspective. “YOU THINK IT DOESN’T HURT ME TOO, EDDIE? I WISH I COULD STAY AND BE WITH YOU, BUT I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!” 

“Your think you’re the only one who has it bad, Richie!?” Eddie’s voice burned with incredulity and resentment. He flailed his arms wildly as he spoke, occasionally pointing at Richie accusingly. “We both come from fucked up homes, so don’t give me that shit! You’re giving up! Don’t try to justify it with shitty excuses!” 

Richie stepped into Eddie’s space and glowered down at him with fury written across his eyes, but the wavy-haired boy stood his ground. “It’s not the fucking same Eds! You don’t live in a house where you fear for your fucking life! You never know that if this beating is gonna be the one that finally kills you!”

Eddie’s eyes softened, “Ugh . . . Richie.” 

They were angry. Angry at each other, angry at life for the cards it dealt them, angry for being unable to change the world around them, and angry with themselves for being so stubborn. They finally professed their undying love for each other and they didn’t get to enjoy that victory because they were too caught up in the finality of their confrontation. No matter how much they both wanted to will a happy ending for themselves into existence, they both knew deep down inside that was not their destiny. It was like a winter frost that was born within their broken hearts and spread all through out their bodies, from the crown of their heads to the tips of their toes. It was an empty pain that they both despised more than anything in the world, and little did they know it would go on to haunt them for the rest of the next 20 years- and for one of them, the rest of his life. 

It was a standstill. There was nothing but a thick fog of silence between them. They said all they had to say and couldn’t come to a resolution, as they were both too set in their ways. The same fierce passion that made the two boys fall for each other was now the very thing that was driving them apart. Finally, the sound of the bus pulling up yanked them both out of their thoughts. Eddie eyes begged Richie one final time, but the raven-haired boy just looked at him with an expression that relayed nothing but compunction. “Eds, please try to understand.”

“Fuck you.” Venom dripped from Eddie’s words and sizzled as it hit the ground. His leer burrowed deep into Richie’s, as his fist balled up so tight, his nails began to break the skin of his palms. “Fuck you, Richie.”

 

Richie had no words. He was stunned and heartbroken by Eddie’s sharp tongue, but also completely emotionally drained by their heated argument. His heart ached knowing that those would be the last words between the two of them. They loved each other so fiercely, but sometimes love just wasn’t enough. Love doesn’t always conquer all and Richie knew this to be true, even if Eddie refused to admit it. This was the conclusion of their epic romance, ending before it even got a chance to start. 

With tears in his eyes, he gathered his things and made his way towards the bus. He pulled his ticket out of his coat pocket and handed it to the driver, before heading to the very back of the bus, taking the very last seat. He glanced at Eddie through the window, unsure of what it was he hoped to see. What he saw was Eddie standing there with a tear-drenched face, full of anger and resentment, but Richie could see that behind it all . . . in the very depths of his heart he wasn’t truly angry. He was broken, and he did this to him. 

He loved this boy with all his might, and yet, he still took his heart in his hands and crushed it. If there was ever any doubt in his mind about Eddie being better off without him, it died in that moment. He didn’t deserve Eddie. Eddie was kind and loyal, and he loved fearlessly. He was the sun, brightening his entire world with only his presence. Richie figured that even if he never got to meet anyone like his Eds ever again . . . even if he never again got to fall in love the way he did with that beautiful boy, then that was okay. He was grateful that he got to experience such an unadulterated, boundless, unconditional love at least once in his life, no matter how brief. That was enough to get him by for a hundred lifetimes over.

As the bus began to pull away, Richie turned to watch Eddie through the rear window with sobs erupting from the depths of his chest. There stood his joy, his hope, and his guiding light broken and sobbing as he disappeared into the distance. It was an image that would mar every one of Richie’s nightmares for years to come, even if he would no longer remember the young man’s name. Richie didn’t know what lied before him, but what he did know was that whatever it was, it would never compare to who he left he behind.


	2. 20 Years Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG writing these two chapters was like pulling fucking teeth! Having ADHD and writing is so fucking hard. I'm sorry it took so long, and in all honesty I'm not completely happy with it. I hope you still like it though. Comment and let me know! thank you and I love you all so sos osososososos much!!

The Hanlon farmhouse resounded with the laughter of five complete strangers that once had considered each other the best of friends, if not family. Barely audible beneath their joyful conversations, the fireplace flickered and crackled in the background, while its flames casted a beautiful warm glow on all their faces. They had all changed so much, having traded freckles for sunspots and the creases around their eyes for wrinkles, but under the flattering luminance of the fire, it was easy for them to imagine each other as they once were. Richie took notice of how much it looked like a scene out of a hallmark movie (and he would know, having been cast in one early on in his career as an actor) with all of them sitting on the living room floor in cozy sweaters and sipping on half empty glasses of wine. 

They had all arrived into town on different days, so some were still piecing together the fragmented memories that slowly floated back into their minds, while others, like Richie, had been home long enough to have fully regained theirs. While they waited for Stan and Eddie to arrive, thus completing the Loser’s Club, they decided to share whatever memories they had regained, in hopes of speeding along the process for each other. Recollections of their antics made them burst into fits of laughter and groan whenever something embarrassing or cringe-worthy was brought up. 

Richie wanted nothing more than to lose himself in the same blissful nostalgia that everyone else was basking in, but every single time he felt himself starting to sink, thoughts of a certain someone who had yet to arrive pulled him back into reality. An anxious chill would grip onto his heart and clench firmly whenever one of the other Losers casually brought up a memory that involved a certain pint-sized hypochondriac, but he played it off as if nothing was wrong. He would switch into one of his voices or crack a ridiculous joke, which would earn him a chorus of laughter from everyone- everyone, except Mike. 

Despite not having outright spoken to him about it, Richie knew for certain that Mike was aware of his and Eddie’s complicated past and probably sensed that Richie was riddled with nerves. His eyes would flicker over to him and then away just as quickly whenever Eddie’s name was uttered, and Richie noticed it every time, but pretended not to. After Richie ran away, Mike was the only other loser that remained in Derry and the only friend Eddie had left. It was only obvious that he had probably been there to help Eddie through the heartache Richie caused him, and he wondered if Mike judged or resented him for it. He was too much of a coward to ask and, besides, he already had more than enough to worry about with Eddie’s impending arrival. He didn’t have the mental capacity or energy to worry about Mike, too. So, Richie did what he always did whenever he found himself trapped in an uncomfortable situation: he talked. 

“Whatever, Billiam! I would’ve totally kicked your ass if Stan and Mike weren’t there to hold me back.” Richie contended in a condescending tone, inciting a dismissive scoff from Bill. “Bitch, cash me outside then! Right now! I’ll prove it!” 

“God, why don’t you both just pull out your dicks and compare sizes already. This is so stupid!” There was no sharpness to Bev’s tone, which meant she wasn’t actually annoyed, but everyone knew she did really want to change the subject. 

“God Beverly, if you wanted to see our dicks so badly, you should have just asked!” Richie leaned in towards Bev, who sat directly across from him and wiggled his brows suggestively. In retaliation, she mock laughed and flipped him the bird, just as she had when he called her Molly Ringwald, 27 years ago. “Honestly, I’m down for a dick measuring contest, although it wouldn’t really be much of a contest. We all know I’m the Loser with the biggest dick . . . AND second biggest balls, after Bev.”

“Beep! Beep! Richie!” Bill interjected as he scrunched his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation. 

“Well, it’s clear that you’re still as much of a trashmouth as ever!” Beverly rolled her eyes, but a playful smile tugged at the corners of her lips. “You’re not wrong, though,” she admitted jokingly, as she shot a mischievous side-eye at Richie. 

Richie face blazoned with disbelief, before bursting into a full-bodied cackle. “Molly gets off a good one!” 

“Don’t call me Molly, asshole! I look nothing like her!” 

“Yeah, if anything she looks more like Jessica Chastain now,” Ben quipped. Taken aback by his unexpected flattery, Bev poured her gaze over him and smiled gratefully. Ben’s cheeks burned brightly under her stare and he slowly melted into a dopey smile of his own. Bill observed their silent interaction with a tense jaw.

Just as Richie was about to gloat about having worked with the real Jessica Chastain, the doorbell rang eliciting excited reactions from everyone, except him. “That must be either Stan or Eddie,” Mike announced cheerfully. A chilled crawled up Richie’s spine as he and Mike exchanged knowing looks. Everyone stood along with Mike and followed him towards the front door. Richie, however, decided to hang back, just in case it actually was Eddie. That way, he would be the last person he saw and if Richie needed to, he could sneak off without anyone noticing. 

As everyone crowded around the door, waiting for Mike to open it and invite in whomever it was on the other side, Richie hid behind the wall that divided the living room from the foyer. He forced himself to maintain a neutral expression, but inside he was anything but composed. His heartbeat was pulsating within his throat, probably limiting his ability to breathe if he wasn’t already inadvertently holding his breath, and it accelerated even further as the door creaked open. From the angle he was standing in, he couldn’t see who it was, so he anxiously waited for someone to call our their name, or to hear the person’s voice, even though he knew he probably wouldn’t recognize it after 20 years.

Caught somewhere between desperately hoping to be reunited with the love of his life and desperately wishing anyone but Eddie was standing on the other side of that door, Richie contemplated which was worse. What was it that he was hoping for? In an ideal world, what would have been the best possible outcome for their reunion? He wasn’t sure. Or maybe he was, but didn’t want to get his hopes up, only for them to be torn down when things inevitably went to shit. His mind was muddled with a million thoughts, his heart burdened with a billion emotions, and his body filled with panic and dread, as the mystery guest stepped into view. It all felt like an out of body experience.

“Eddie!” Mike embraced the man that stood before him, taking him by surprise. 

“Oh, you must be Michael!” Eddie apprehensively hugged Mike back with only one of his arms. An anxious expression latched onto his face as he took in the five people that stood around them, staring expectantly. It was then that Richie realized that Eddie might not have gotten his memories back yet and therefore might not recognize him. Could he be so lucky? 

Mike stepped aside and motioned for Eddie to come inside. “Did you just get into town?”

“How did you know?” Eddie asked. 

“Well you had to ask who I was, so I’m assuming you haven’t gotten your memories back, which can only mean you haven’t been in Derry very long.” Mike explained as he shut the door behind him. 

“Oh, well yeah. I remember some things but they don’t make any sense yet. They’re mostly stuff from when we were little kids. I-it’s just quick flashes of memories, but only, like, parts and pieces of them.” Eddie had only been in Derry for about two hours, but even if he hadn’t just arrived, it still would have taken him much longer than anyone else to fully remember his time and experiences in Maine. Besides Mike, who had never left, Eddie had lived in the cursed town the longest and therefore had the most memories to regain. 

“Well, I’ll introduce everyone and maybe that will help jog your memory.” Mike suggested. “Obviously, I’m Mike. This is Ben Hansom-”

“Hello!” Eddie nodded in acknowledgement, as the formally heavyset architect greeted him with a two-finger salute. 

“And this is Bill Denbrough-”

“Wait, Denbrough?” Eddie asked enthusiastically, “As in the author?” 

“Yup, that’s me!” Bill lit up. “Are you familiar with my novels?” 

“Yeah, I’ve read a couple of them. I recently heard one of your books is about to be adapted into a movie! Is that true?” 

It is! Filming starts in the spring, but-“ 

“Oh my God! You’re Beverly Marsh!!” Bill stepped aside as Eddie walked right passed him and towards Bev, with a massive smile on his cherub face. 

Beverly giggled as she took his hand in hers and shook it. “I can see you’re familiar with my work,” she said as she tugged on the lapels of Eddie’s maroon blazer, which was a garment from her most recent autumn/winter collection.

“Yeah! I’m a huge fan. Seriously, like half of my closet consists of your designs!” 

Smiling from ear to ear, Bev affectionately caressed Eddie’s face with back of her hand. “Aw, Eddie! You’re still the same adorable sweetheart.” Her words made Eddie’s cheeks burn with a bashful pink hue. 

The blood that once coursed through Richie’s veins froze solid as Eddie’s gaze unintentionally landed and then remained on him. The rational side of his mind told him that Eddie probably didn’t remember him, but then again the two men had not only known each other the longest, but were also much bigger parts of each other’s lives than anyone else in the group. What if just looking at Richie forced his memories back? He tried to still his racing thoughts, but the way Eddie was looking at him was different than the way he had gazed at the others, and it made him want to assume the worst.

“Richie? . . . Richie Tozier?” Richie’s skin prickled with anxiety as Eddie approached him. 

“Y-yeah . . .” he responded tensely. He pondered what Eddie intended to do once he stood before him. Would he hug him? Would he punch him across the face? Which did he deserve more? Richie felt like a kettle over a burning stove, just about to whistle from the pressure of the nerves bubbling within him. 

“You’re much taller than you look on screen!” And just like that, all the anxiety that constricted Richie’s lungs evaporated, allowing him to exhale a massive sigh of relief. He thanked every deity he could think of for being so merciful as he beamed down at his former-almost-sort-of-boyfriend, or whatever. “Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! I get that a lot.”

Decades had passed, but Eddie was still the same small stature he was when Richie last saw him, only about an inch taller than Bev. He was clearly a man now, but his rounded features retained a youthful charm that, in Richie’s “unbiased” opinion, all the other lacked. His amber eyes still sparkled with exuberance, his button nose was still rosy and adorable, and his freckles were still visible over his tan flesh. “Cute, cute, cute!” Richie thought to himself.

“I’ve seen like every single one of your movies!” Richie could see fireworks bursting behind Eddie’s eyes as he spoke. He cursed himself for wondering if Eddie still found him attractive now that he didn’t actually know him, but only knew of him. Without any of the heartache, shared traumas, or memories to cloud his judgment, how did Eddie feel about Richie? Richie obviously thought Eddie had aged beautifully, but what if Eddie didn’t feel the same about him? Then again what difference did it make if he did or didn’t, it wasn’t like Richie had a chance once Eddie regained his memories. If Eddie didn’t castrate him the second he remembered that night, Richie would be genuinely surprised. 

“Oh Edward, flattery will get you everywhere,” Richie teased as he pinched Eddie’s flushing cheeks, only to be swatted away immediately. “I prefer Eddie, thank you.”

With an intentionally loud clearing of his throat, Mike effectively put an end to their blatant flirtations. Richie tried to conceal his chagrin from Mike, but failed miserably. “How about we head back into the living room? We can open another bottle of wine, while Eddie tells us about his exciting life in New York!” 

“God, Mike you sound like such a mom,” Ben teased, as he followed the others into the living, where they all took their seats on the floor by the fireplace. 

For the following two hours, while the other Losers regaled each other with stories about their hectic lives, Richie and Eddie flirted. It was just as it had been when they were teens, with the lingering stares, brushing of hands, suggestive teasing, and excessive affection. Richie relished in the ease of it all. He and Eddie just made sense, plain and simple. They fit perfectly together, like a key in a lock or two puzzle pieces connecting together. What they had was effortless and unaffected by time; and it made Richie felt like he was dreaming. But just as it always was when dreaming lucidly, it was painfully evident that it is all a fantasy and, at any given moment, everything that remained suspended in the air would come crashing down. 

A pang of guilt sunk into Richie’s heart. He felt like he was selfishly taking advantage of Eddie’s blissful ignorance. Could anyone blame him, though? He knew Eddie would be furious with him if he knew what Richie knew, but this could well be the last time Richie ever got to be with Eddie as they once were. Happy. This was everything he had been longing for without even knowing it. This was a fleeting moment and was it so wrong of Richie to allow himself to enjoy it while it lasted? He knew it was, but he didn’t care.

“What is it, exactly, that you do, Eddie?” Ben asked, genuinely curious. 

“Well I have an app that is similar to Lyft, but it’s primarily for people in the LGBT community,” Eddie explained, “With the other transportation services, you have no clue what kind of person your driver is going to be. They could be some closed minded bigot and you wouldn’t know until you’re in their car and they’re asking if you’ve ‘talked to God about your sinful lifestyle.’ With us, you always know you’ll be safe and treated with respect.”

“Is that what happened to you? Like, is that why you decided to start your business?” Richie listened attentively for Eddie’s response, because he knew what Bev’s true intentions were by asking that question. What she really wanted to know was if Eddie was out and, conveniently, so did he.

“A couple of times,” Eddie responded somberly. He diverted his eyes to his lap as he began to fiddle with the hem of his jumper. 

“Awe, cheer up Eddie Spaghett-”

“Damn it, Richie, I told you not to ca-” Eddie glared at Richie with a wide-eyed look on his face. Richie’s heart stopped dead still in his chest, before plummeting into his stomach. His expression might have only lasted a second, but Richie could read a million thoughts and emotions within it. He was absolutely certain Eddie’s memories were coming back to him all at once, like a flood trying to pour out though a keyhole. Eddie, realizing everyone had been staring at him attentively, cleared his throat and regained his composure, before finally speaking. “Please don’t call me that, Richie. I-I’m not a fan of nicknames.” 

“E-Eddie, did you just remember something?” Mike asked apprehensively.

“Uh, I thought I did, but then I just, uh . . . lost it!” Eddie snapped his finger to emphasize the last two words of his fabrication. Mike looked deep into his eyes, as if searching for something. After an awkward moment of silence, Eddie smiled at him and, in that smile; Mike seemed to have found what he was searching for. He patted Eddie on the shoulder as a satisfied but knowing smile spread upon his lips. “Maybe it’s the buzz from the wine that’s making it hard to remember everything. I think I just need a glass of water.” 

“Sure thing, buddy. I can get that for you.” Just as Mike was about to lift himself off the floor, Eddie grabbed onto his forearm and pulled him back down. “No-no-no! It’s okay! I’ll get it.” 

“Are you sure?” Mike asked, as he watched Eddie stand up and walk towards the hallway that lead directly towards the kitchen.

“Yeah, really. It’s cool, maybe I’ll get a little fresh air, too.” Eddie insisted, as he disappeared into the hallway. It didn’t go unnoticed by Richie that Eddie hadn’t asked Mike where the kitchen was located.

“You know what? I think I could use a glass of water, myself!” Richie announced clumsily, as he shot up. He was an actor that had garnered multiple accolades and plenty critical acclaim, but you would never know it by the unconvincing delivery of his lie. He wasn’t at all concerned with being convincing though, because he certain that Mike already knew what he really intended to do. 

“Are you sure you need that glass of water, Richie?” Mike asked purposely, as he leered at Richie with a conscious look in his eyes. 

“Yeah. I’m sure.” Richie glowered back at Mike, before walking out of the living room and heading in the same direction Eddie had gone just a few moments ago.

At this point, there was no shadow of a doubt in Richie’s mind that Eddie remembered everything. This didn’t mean, however, that he knew what to expect once he found himself all alone with him. This Eddie was not going to be the innocently oblivious person that approached him in the foyer a couple hours ago. No, this was going to be the Eddie had glared at Richie with fire in his eyes as he told him he was dead to him. This was going to be the person that Richie destroyed and then abandoned in the middle of the night. He tried to mentally prepare himself, but he couldn’t shake off the fear that was gnawing at his belly. Each of his steps felt like he was walking barefoot on a bed of coal, but he powered through.


	3. 20 Years Later (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 and 3 were originally just one, but I thought it was too long so i broke it in two!! sorryyyyy

When Richie entered the kitchen, he found Eddie leaning on the island with his face cradled within his hands. His hair was disheveled and dripping, leading Richie to assume he had probably splashed water on his face as he usually did when he felt an anxiety attack coming on. None of the lights had been switched on, so moonlight that flooded in through the massive bay windows was the only thing that provided any luminance. It bathed the entire room, including Eddie, in a bluish radiance that made everything look grey and cold, a stark contrast to the warm scenery in the living room. Alerted of Richie’s presence by the sound of his footsteps clacking against the hardwood floor, Eddie pulled away from the island and leered at him with dark eyes. 

“Hey.” Richie ambled towards Eddie in a precocious pace, but stopped when he saw the smaller man retreat a few steps back as he approached him. “Did you, uh- did you try to drink that glass of water with your eyes, or what?”

“There you go, cracking another fucking joke! . . . Why don’t you cut the shit, Richie? I knew you were going to follow me in here.” Eddie crossed his arms over his chest and narrowed his eyes, as they danced over Richie’s face. He seemed exhausted, like all these years of fostering anger and resentment had taken an immense toll on his soul. Richie wondered if it had been there when he greeted Eddie earlier that night. Maybe it was, but Eddie had gotten so proficient at masking it behind an amiable demeanor, that he didn’t notice. Or maybe he did notice it, but chose to ignore it. “You know, I was going to try and pretend like I still didn’t remember, but I just- uh- I just don’t give a shit, anymore. Ever since the night you left, I’ve had to pretend that everything was all right, but tonight I just can’t- not for you. You don’t deserve the effort!”

Richie grabbed onto Eddie’s bicep as he attempted to walk away from him. “Hey, can you please talk to me? I really think we should try to work things out and-”

“Can you keep your fucking voice down?! The only person that knows what happened between us is Mike and I’d really like to keep it that way! I already humiliated myself enough for you that night, I don’t need you to make shit worse for me!” Eddie whisper-yelled as he pulled his arm out of Richie’s grasp and turned back to scowl up at him, leaving the taller man gaping back at him. “I have absolutely nothing to say to you and I’m not interested in anything you have to say.”

“Eddie, I’m sorry! Please just give me a chance- hear me out!” Richie begged, but Eddie just marched on passed him and towards the door. “I STILL LOVE YOU!” 

Eddie, now livid, turned around and stormed back towards Richie. “You still love me? You still LOVE me!? Wh-what? Am I supposed to instantly forgive you and fall back into your arms, just because you still LOVE me? Is that supposed to magically undo the last 20 years? . . . Love wasn’t enough for you to stay then, so why should it be enough for me now?”

“I’m sorry. I know that I hurt you and you have every right to be mad, but . . .”

“But what? What, Richie!? Now that you’re ready, I should be, too? I was ready twenty years ago, when I told you I love you and LITERALLY begged you take me with you, but that didn’t matter to you!” Tears began to stream down Eddie’s face. “You’re still the same selfish asshole you’ve always been!” 

Richie had an overwhelming desire to wipe away Eddie’s tears and take him in his arms, as if somehow that would wash away all the anguish that riddled his heart. He could never bear to see Eddie cry, but this was especially torturous since he was the cause of not only these tears, but every single one he’d shed since that night. Even in his absence he was a burden in Eddie’s life. “I didn’t leave you because I didn’t care about you! I left you behind BECAUSE I loved you, Eds! You had your whole life ahead of you and I couldn’t ask you to throw it all away for me. I didn’t know where I was going or if I would even make it! It wouldn’t have been fair to you! What was I supposed to do?” 

Eddie seemed not only incredulous by Richie’s explanation, but also repulsed. He scoffed bitterly as he gazed out the window, seemingly trying to sort out his thoughts. “You know what the difference between you and me was? I had faith in us. I knew things weren’t gonna be easy, but I believe that . . .” Eddie would try to contain his sobs, but his heart conspired with his lungs and betrayed him every time. “. . .that as long as we had each other, there was nothing we couldn’t overcome! . . . My life was shit, too, Richie! I suffered just like you, but I always felt that, as long as I had you in my life, everything would be fine. You obviously didn’t feel the same way. This wasn’t enough for you! . . . I was never enough for you.”

Eddie’s words were like cannonballs that scorched Richie’s heart as they collided violently into it. In that moment, Richie realized that even though everything he had ever done was with the best of intentions, it never came across that way. It was devastating to know that all this time, Eddie thought Richie did what he did because of him- that there was something wrong with HIM, when that was the furthest thing from the truth. “You were more than enough, Eds. You were my everything.”

“No I wasn’t! If I were, you wouldn’t have left! You would have stayed! All you had to do was stay!” Eddie raked his fingers through his brown locks, which seemed to miss their golden luster in the pale moonlight. He seemed to be contemplating whether or not to speak what was on his mind. Richie could tell that Eddie had so much to say and he was willing to hear every word. He deserved whatever it was that Eddie was plotting to lash out. He almost wished he would just strike him, but concluded that would just be a selfish ploy to alleviate some of his own guilt. Besides, Eddie would never harm him. Richie knew Eddie was kind and compassionate, even with a weathered and burdened heart.

Eddie’s gaze finally met Richie, but this time it was much softer, tender almost. “After you left, I spent every night staring at my bedroom window, praying that you would sneak in like you used to . . . but you never did. So, I would just cry myself to sleep. Then, when I would wake up the following morning, for a second- JUST A SECOND- I would be convinced that it was all a nightmare, but then reality would sink in, and it felt like I lost you all over again- over and over again. It was torture! The only thing that kept me going was the hope that maybe if I left- maybe if I forgot you, I could forget my broken heart too, but leaving only made everything worse. You condemned me to a life of emptiness and longing. I went though my life feeling incomplete and never understanding why! I might not have been a perfect person, or even a good person, but I didn’t deserve that, Richie. All I ever did was love you.”

“Eddie. . .” If never having met Richie would have spared Eddie all this pain, then Richie wished that he had never been born at all. Richie couldn’t exist without Eddie in his life, but that didn’t mean that Eddie deserved to suffer for his existence. Richie sighed deeply, as he leaned his elbows on the kitchen island. Eddie did the same. “My whole life, I’ve wondered what my life would’ve been like if I’d been born to different parents. What if I’d been born in a different place- a different time? What if we never encountered that fucking clown? Would my life have played out differently? Would I have been happy? But, you what I realized tonight when I saw you? I’ve gone my whole life looking for someone to blame, but this . . . this was all me. Yeah, life dealt me a real shitty hand, but I chose what to do with it. I fucked everything up! I took the only good thing in life and I ruined it. Eddie, I loved you wholeheartedly . . . with every fiber of my being, but I was naive and misguided. I spent my life chasing meaningless trivialities, like fame and fortune, but now that I’m standing on the other side of it all, I would give it all back! All of it! For you.” Richie inched closer to Eddie and reached for his hand. When the smaller man didn’t pull away, he erupted into a teary-eyed smile. He massaged Eddie’s knuckles with the pad of his thumb, as admired how perfectly Eddie’s hand fit in his. “I was stupid, Eds. Leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life and if I could take it back . . . if I could go back and do it all over, I would choose you every time.”

“But that’s not the way life works, Richie.” Eddie's voice was cold and bitter, as yanked his hand away from Richie, and lifted himself off the island. He trudged over to the other side of the kitchen, but stopped just shy of the door. He quivered as he continued to speak, with tears flowing down his spotted cheeks. It was apparent to Richie that saying this was as emotionally taxing on Eddie, as it was for him to listen to it. “You don’t get second chances or do-overs, no matter how much guilt and regret you carry in your heart. You can hope and pray all you want, but we’ll still have to suffer the consequences of your actions. No matter how much you wish otherwise, things will never be what they could, should, or would be . . . they are, and always will be, what they are. And that is something you are going to have to live with for the rest of your life . . . A life without me.”

Eddie turned and began heading for the door, but Richie called out his name just as he was about to exit into the hallway. Eddie stopped in his tracks, but didn’t turn back around to face Richie. “Can I ask you one last thing?” 

“What is it?” 

”D-do you still love me?”

Eddie sighed. “Even after everything you’ve done, I will always love you . . . and I will always hate myself for it.”


End file.
